General Review of the Sex Situation

So why, really, why am I so happy?

I don't think I've ever been disappointed about something making me happy.

My mother told me today that I was moving backwards. That I was more responsible when I was younger.
I told her that was true only to an extent. She probably sees right through me, and that I'm just just this increasingly hopeless woman.
That's probably giving her too much credit.

Let me explain.
After 2 months thinking I had to punish him...put him in a time-out, if I can think of it in baby terms...what?...there were some good, effective moments but mostly it was just kind of who am I kidding? Did I really think it would stick? Did he? It was never really my intention to cut him off, not really. Not that I expected him to fight for my friendship. But he took it to a completely different level of fucked up and mean that I just had not accounted for. I had to do what I did. I can't let him get away with everything.

Basically I am settling for a relationship that consists of me bestowing love upon someone who can never fully return it because of, and I quote, "crippling emotional problems". I'm settling for fondness in exchange for sincere adoration. And lust. So much lust.

So, is that okay?
Does that make me a masochist?
Am I a pathetic person?
To be so happy to have that person back in my life? For my mood to have been lifted this much, after two miserable months, because of three drunken hours with a man who's NOT in love with me?

And sex.

How long am I just going sit around lusting for him and not pursue anything else? Mind you, I've done this sort of thing before and I guess it's in my nature, but I was much younger then and not nearly as sexual. So I wasn't really giving up anything that I really wanted.

But I want it.

And what if I did pursue something else? He will. He has.

I just really don't want to, not remotely.

Obviously he would have no right to be angry or even call attention to it. He gave up any rights to that.

Maybe I need to just do something and find out, just to answer that question. Also, I need to make sure he is really, really, really drunk when I bring it up later.

And see? The excitement here is gauging his reaction to something, rather than having delightful sexual relations, because he won't let me have any with him.

It's just I'm living a twisted, amorphous reality that I don't really understand, and the further I ebb away, the more blinded about all of this I think I'm becoming, and I just need to find out more. What if I do this. What if I say this. I told him I love him, not that I understand him.

I'm a troublemaker.

I can't help myself anymore.