Alright. So the only thing you can do once you've pretty much broken THROUGH the bottom of something, is try and regain power. Right? Sometimes you can climb out of the well.
I wonder if this has been what some people would call a nervous breakdown. It's really never something I've considered for myself. I thought that was a sort of myth, in that it only happened to people that were chemically disposed to that sort of thing. I am not clinically depressed, but I've come to understand it a little.
Today I listened to the lyrics of "trees get wheeled away", a Bright Eyes song Kate mostly plays in the apartment. How irritating, that my life should somehow emulate that song. "There's a virgin in my bed, and she's taking off her dress, and I'm not sure what I'm gonna do..." ugh, GROSS.
Jill told me it would take at least half the span of this whole event to really get over it. Let's see. August to February is...six months? So three months. Three.
I told him I couldn't see or speak to him in any real capacity. Wow, what a drama queen, what an asshole. The truth is, if I try my hardest to go back to a sort of hum-drum interaction, and lie to myself about what's happened and how it's made me feel, the elation followed by the disappointment I felt, I'm just doing that martyrization thing again. He doesn't deserve to have me around now. Two weeks ago, I think I would have done just about anything for him.
This didn't occur to me--the idea that I needed to cut him off, rather than begging him not to do the same to me--until I spoke to some distant family member. Sometimes you need the right kind of person to really listen to you. I told my stepfather's sister about it, and she's around his age, and about as unstable as I am. I had told her about him on Thanksgiving when I was stoned, that I was falling in love with this man...she asked about the ring I was wearing around my neck. His ring. Which by the way, we never acknowledged.
Because that sort of thing would happen again. And again. I would get older, and he would get lonelier, and drunker. And what if I don't find anyone else? And what if I do it all over again? What if I try to convince myself that he will come around? Come out of it? And just waste more of my time on someone who will never love me?
And even if I didn't go so far as to do that, there would still be conflict and paranoia and jealousy and defensive behavior and delusion. That's already happened. And why should I put myself through that? I can't control my subconscious. I was in love, he barely bat an eyelash. I am not hurtful, and I don't aspire to be. He can't be the bigger man, he's not emotionally armed for that. He will always wound me. He has a spear, but no armor.
After I recapitulated and gave her an update, she gave me a long stare. I said something about just waving it off and staying friends, and how having some part of him was better than having nothing, and she shook her head.
"You know after you've felt that way about someone, you can't just go back. Don't pretend it didn't mean as much as it did."
Let's talk about how I'll maybe never see Charlotte again.
No, let's not.
I'm not sure how long I will stay up nights worrying about him. Whether he's sick, how will he get to see a doctor, has he been eating, is he reading, is he writing, what is he doing with himself and is he getting through the day, though never actually wondering whether it's my fault, whether I am hurting him, or neglecting him, because he never gave a fuck about me. I don't think I ever really penetrated him at all.
pen·e·trate
v. pen·e·trat·ed, pen·e·trat·ing, pen·e·trates
v.tr.
1. To enter or force a way into; pierce.
2.
a. To enter into and permeate: The insistent rhythm of piano practice penetrated each room of the house.
b. To cause to be permeated or diffused; steep.
3. To insert the penis into the vagina or anus of.
4. To enter (an organization, for example), usually surreptitiously, so as to gain influence or information; infiltrate.
5. To grasp the inner significance of; understand.
6. To see through: keen eyes that penetrate the darkness.
7. To affect deeply, as by piercing the consciousness or emotions.
v.intr.
1. To pierce or enter into something; make a way in or through something.
2. To gain admittance or access.
3. To gain insight.
Yeah, I didn't accomplish any of those things. He accomplished them all, except for #3. Which, if you don't remember, was " to insert the penis into the vagina or anus of " me. Though he could have. Well, not the anus.
We didn't utter a word to each other.
It's just all kind of amazing to me.
Trust me guys, I can't wait until I have something better or more consuming to write about either.
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