Facebook, I quit you.

I enjoy staying at home. Where, currently, the only 2 decisions I'm making are whether to light another cigarette, and then, which ashtray to ash into.

I hope reading this blog will be amusing to me someday in the future, when I'm less of a miserable human being.

I really am an optimist at heart. But in my current situation, or, since I've gotten into this post-adolescent, soon to be post-graduate funk I've dug myself into, everything fails me.

Am I being too critical of myself or of others?

I can't commit to small tasks unless it is to avoid people in my life. Kate gets home from work, let me do the dishes. My dad's calling. Maybe I should miss his call and then will myself to send an important email, order textbooks, figure out what exactly is the meager balance in my checking account and will I still make rent if I buy another pack of cigarettes?

So, I can only be productive if I'm being destructive in some overthought concept of equal measure. I'm so irrational that I've made a system for it--to be completely stagnant, to stop time. A flat line.

I think he's in love with her.

I think, the man who couldn't fall in love, the reason I decided against being in love with him, or fighting for him, has fallen in love with the girl he kissed three days after taking my virginity.

So, if you could look at this situation visually: you're in a car on a one-way road that is your life, your person. He's driving downhill, further down, further down, until he reaches a flatline. And I'm just up ahead, this past year, a flatline. Starts to speed ahead, just meandering. Then...a speed bump. A first and second virginity. The peak of an orgasm. The month-long period he fucked me.

And then he fucks her, and starts uphill.

That, non-readers of this blog, is why I am quitting facebook.