Movie Night

Do you think it's possible to be in love with someone, and not want to be with them?

At the same time?

Genuinely and truly?

How can this ambivalence be possible?

Well, anything is fucking possible, but everything is still impossible.

I'm not sure what I mean by that, but it's not just a note of despair. I mean that anything is fucking possible when it's just happening to you, but everything is still impossible when I am actively participating.

So, it's a more PRONOUNCED note of despair.

I've discovered Netflix Watch Instantly, so I've been watching these terrible quote "Cerebral Foreign Dramas" and quote "Romances Featuring a Strong Female Lead", and these people in love are always longing for each other's embraces and imagining futures together and praying, praying, praying that that bitch would just disappear.

But I don't think that's it. Because all of these things send a sharp pang of fucking fear up my spine. Not a twinge, a pang, it lasts a while, but it's worse than the usual quakes I've always had. A gaze will stop my heart, only because I want to stop myself from seeing it. I want to run so fucking far in the opposite direction, I'm starting to imagine a small voice screaming somewhere in the back of my mind whenever he's present. And as for that bitch? Like her where she is. As long as she's around I will not ever, ever, ever end up in bed with him.

Does this coincide with my actions?

Well, no.

Because

more than anything I feel like I have to bear my teeth. Put on a mean face. Or at least a brave one.

Because I still care what he thinks.
And I don't really care about anyone else's opinions.

The other night he sent me into this completely blind frenzied RAGE because he looked at me for too long. Wasn't a big enough deal. I was drunk and couldn't do what I usually do, keep it in my periphery but pretend not to notice. I was too drunk for that, so I yelled, and then I kind of slapped the shit out of him. Really hard, too.

I haven't recovered from this. And of course, my kicking his ass is just a point in his corner.

Anyway, also in these movies, the smitten characters (though mostly men) are able to fill the vacancies of their beloved, if only for a fleeting 3.5 minutes, like with whores or their co-workers or people they pick up in bars.

Here's another delineation. Everyone repulses me. Can't look at them.

I don't even really feel lonely. In fact, right now I'm feeling like there are almost too many people around. And like I'm involved in too many lives. I guess I can let them distract me, and I do when I have to, but I don't really feel like burying myself in anything else.

I'm burying too much.

I think what's really driving me to distraction is the fact that he was the bravest thing I've ever done, and now that it's over I'm back to being a huge pussy.

That's what's really depressing me, not having to watch them dry hump not ten feet away from me.

Though it doesn't exactly help.

Also, I've been listening to too much Fiona Apple, and she just sets me off into crazy.

But Jesus, how does one stop listening to Fiona Apple? That sounds even more impossible than getting over him, or trying to quit smoking,

so I'm just not going to do any of those things.

Not yet.

Need to keep writing regularly, or I'll end up talking about it too much, and people will suspect things. I don't want anyone to know. As far as everyone knows, I am not in love. Though it's still true that I don't want to be with him. So none of it matters and it shouldn't make any difference.

I'll do my homework, though, really.

And watch movies.